虽然在我听到医生的诊断后，我把我的行程缩短了，赶紧回去看你，但在我们到家之前 ，爸爸离开去机场接我的时候，你接了最后一口气。在那两个小时里，你是不是想为我而挣扎着，但你又等不及了？或者你想等到空无一人时，自己离开，因为这更符合你的风格？你等到我的航班到达以确保我安全着陆了吗？或者，你因为没有我没能及时回来而生我的气吗？你在想，“妈妈，我真的病了，你为什么不在这里照顾我？”或者你在想 “妈妈，我现在感觉很虚弱。我认为我不能再坚持下去了。”
当我们第一次从公寓搬到旧金山的第一所独立屋时 ，你就得到了一个合适的选择 。然后，当我们搬去上海时，你就通过每天在我们的新沙发上撒尿向我们宣战了。当我们将你撒尿的沙发套放在洗衣机里几十次之后，我们终于理解了你给我们传递的信息：“你觉得阳台不够爽。你需要一个院子！”所以我们搬到了一所房子，你终于停止了战争。
Dear Minie, July 13, 2019
I am writing you this letter because I believe you can read it from the kitty heaven. I am writing this also because I need a closure since I was two hours too late to say goodbye…
Even though I cut my trip short and rushed back to see you after I heard about doctor’s diagnosis for you, you took your last breath after daddy left for airport to pick me up but before we arrived home. During those two hours, were you trying to hang in there for me but you just couldn’t wait any longer? Or you wanted to wait until no one was around to leave on your own because that’s more of your style? Did you wait until my flight arrived to make sure I landed safely? Or, were you mad at me for not coming back in time? Were you wondering, “Mommy, I am really sick, why are you not here to take care of me?” or were you thinking “Mommy, I am feeling very weak now. I don’t think I can hang on any more. Hurry!”
When daddy said you were not eating much but were still walking and still liked to spend time in the yard during the day, I thought you still had a bit more time. I am really sorry I didn’t catch an earlier flight. Doctor gave us diagnosis on Tuesday and I flew back on Thursday, but that wasn’t fast enough. I was stupid. I was being my stupid optimistic self, planning to see if we could go for the treatment plan against doctor’s initial advice to give you another fighting chance. Maybe you knew me too well. You knew we would try to save you like we saved Moe, but you were too tired to go through all that. Maybe you knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t let you go. Maybe that’s why you decided to go before I got home.
If anyone asked me why I loved you so much, I wouldn’t tell them it’s because you were the perfect cat. Actually, you were far from perfect. You were stubborn, feisty, and the most difficult one of the bunch. You were so feisty, it took three nurses to stick a needle in you. When we made our first move from our condo to the first new house in San Francisco, you threw a fit. Then, you declared a war on me when we moved to Shanghai by pissing on our new couch every day. After taking the couch cover to the cleaners a dozens of times, we finally got the message: “The balcony won’t do. You need a yard!” So we moved to a house, and you finally stopped.
But then, daddy started bringing rescued kittens home, over and over again. For a while, we had 10 cats in the house! You tolerated through all that. Even though we promised we’re just fostering and these kittens were only temporary, we lied. We were terrible foster parents and kept five of them. So, there’s a total of 7 including your sister Moe, whom you actually didn’t get along with either. So, you started pissing around again. It took us a long time to figure out that your frequent urinary tract infection was from all the stress and changes and that you just wanted to have your own litter box and sharing toilets is not your thing. And only when I saw the young boy cats chasing after you relentlessly even when I yelled to stop them, I started to understand why you were so stressed all the time. Ever since then, you had to be isolated in a separate room, in the yard or the garage. So you were always excited and eager to be touched whenever you saw us. I am really sorry that you were probably feeling lonely quite a bit during those years even though we left NPR radio on for you every night and we let you out to the yard to catch birds and watch squirrels when the weather was nice. And we sneaked you into the study when we were working so we could have some quality time with you alone.
Out of the 17 years you lived, 11 of them were spent in Shanghai. Unfortunately you hated China. Only after moving back last year, we realized that you really hated it there. We’d not seen you so happy for a long long time. Your fur was shiny again, your spirit was high and you just looked so at ease and content again. During those years in China, I thought you were just being difficult. You are a Californian girl. The sun, the air and the trees. You seemed to have taken it all in the moment we moved back. When doctor gave us the diagnosis, I wondered to myself if spending so many years in China had contributed to your cancer…. The amount of guilt ached my heart…. I’m sorry that you tolerated those years in a place you didn’t like while mom and dad enjoyed their expat life. But I am grateful that you stuck it out, and moved back to the States with us. I am most grateful that you got to spend your last year in your beloved California. Watching you sunbathing in the backyard surrounded by flowers and trees, watching squirrels is one of my most happy memories of you.
So, why do we love you so much even though you were the most stubborn, feisty, picky and easily stressed cat? Well, we love you so much because you were the most stubborn, feisty, picky and easily stressed. Yes, I was so mad at you so many times but later I realized it was our fault. We didn’t understand what you were trying to tell us. After we started to understand your behavior, we knew what to do to accommodate you or reduce your stress. I guess that’s what we call love.
Despite it all, you are indeed the most beautiful, most cuddly and most unique cat we have known. You have the most beautiful and thickest fur. You have the cutest white paws and neck. You have the most beautiful face, not too round and not to skinny. When you were little, you would jump to catch a toy we put on the door for 20 minutes until you were panting. You’re the only cat I have seen that went all out on a toy, panting like a dog. You would sit on our desk for hours watching us work patiently. And you were the most skillful hunter. You caught so many birds and mice from the yard. You looked so puzzled when I screamed like a mad woman when you presented those preys as presents for us.
There are so many memories of you that we get to keep with us and remember you for the rest of our life. You and Moe were the first pair we adopted the year we got married. Both of you are special to us. You’re daddy’s girl because daddy was more patient than me. He never once lost temper at you no matter how difficult you were being. You loved him so much, I know. Daddy has been really down and cried many tears over you. He took such good care of you despite his busy schedule, feeding you medicine, giving you IV, brushing you, spending time with you in the yard, and taking you to doctors. He is the best kitty daddy in the world.
I hope you know you were very much loved in this life. You should try to make some friends in kitty heaven. I know you like humans more. Cats make pretty good companions actually. Humans are busy and selfish. They often have other priorities and leave you at home by yourself. Cats, on the other hand, give you unconditional love. I think you should give them a chance next time. Maybe you will have a less lonely life. In my next life, I would still want you as my fur baby, if you would still have me.
With so much love that my heart hurts,
Your mommy Michelle
本文由 布偶猫咖 作者：派大喵 发表，转载请注明来源！